its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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