It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
