I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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