my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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