His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
