I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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