How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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