you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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