happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
