I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
