im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
