This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
