I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
