Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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