so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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