Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
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