Sorry, I don't speak sober.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
