I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Randomize
