did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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