She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
they're like a gay fantastic four
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
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