I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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