You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
farters have to be the big spoon...
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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