I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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