I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
