How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
