i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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