like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
they're like a gay fantastic four
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
He has the fingertips of a God
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