sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
