then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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