I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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