I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
