I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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