So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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