Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
it hurts more in the daytime
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
