I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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