Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
