We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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