i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
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