I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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