Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
