That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Randomize
