remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
