genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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