he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
