so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
