ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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