Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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