i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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