moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
