i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
