Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
