your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
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