***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize