I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
