I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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