Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
