she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
