sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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