Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
