Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
