After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
