I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
