Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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